I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
