My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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