Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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