so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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