no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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