somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
