Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
