my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
