Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
