I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have fence marks all over my body
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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