Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
