so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
