turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
