i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
