I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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