Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
