We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
