she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
