nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
