i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
