it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
