After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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