she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
