My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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