Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
