Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
