My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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