I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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