I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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