im six kinds of drunk right now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
