Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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