How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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