I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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