my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
