just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
