I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
