I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
