im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
