the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
