I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
