"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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