I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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