How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
