I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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