The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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