Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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