I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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