I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
