Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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