who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
too bad you live with your parents still
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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