I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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